Perp Walkin’ at the Supermarket
Let’s start with me stating that I hate grocery shopping. Hate, hate, hate. I hate it only slightly less than clothing shopping. And I hate clothing shopping only slightly less than I imagine what bamboo rammed under my fingernails would feel like. Hey, I’ve gotten splinters under my nails before, so I’m multiplying that feeling by a few thousand. Whatever, back to torture of the green grocer variety. Actually it’s not torturous if you perp watch, yes, perp watch. There are crimes against nature, fashion and food all under one roof. Sundays during football season are truly spectacular! I’m going to break down a few humanoid varieties that I usually see.
The Harried Mom:
Clothes: acid washed, pleated, yanked up to the sternum, mom jeans, the Z Cavariccis of the over the hill fashion backward mom; a pet hair encrusted, baby food stained tee shirt or sweat shirt depending on the weather; dirty, outdated sneakers
Hair: almost always a poorly styled 80’s layered jobbie, a bit of a Joe Dirt serious in front, party in back look, sometimes with a pony tail with frizz sticking out
Body Type: flabby arms, saggy tits, mom belly, disproportionately wide ass, thunder thighs, cankles
Personality: hasn’t had one since before children, a blank vacant stare will greet you
Accessories: a pocket book that matches nothing on this planet, possibly a diaper bag, screaming toddler
Crime Committed Against: nature for reproducing, fashion
(before you all go schizo thinking I’m picking on people, I’m a Harried Mom and I totally own that shit too, ha!)
The Rather be Watching Football Man:
Clothes: raggedy sports jersey, quite possibly one he wore in high school; jeans that have seen better days; really ugly, old sneakers
Hair: if there is any, it needs to be cut
Body Type: residual muscular biceps, man boobs, beer belly, chicken legs
Personality: dazed and confused, they will ask a Harried Mom and all store clerks a lot of food questions
Accessories: mini me teenage boy
Crime Committed Against: fashion
Mid-life Crisis First Wife Replacement Barbie
Clothes: Italian brand names you can’t afford
Hair: platinum blonde
Body Type: silicone, silicone, silicone
Personality: effervescent vapidity
Accessories: pissed off step kids that are nearly her age, she’s a year away from graduation-yay!
Crime Committed Against: fashion, the first wife and kids
Melon Thumping Charmin Squeezer (male or female)
Clothes: thrift store, hand me downs
Hair: sorely outdated
Body Type: skinny-fat, hunched over
Personality: completely non-vocal, some grunting and grinning during squeezing, darting eyes
Accessories: straw tote bag for shopping
Crimes Committed Against: fashion, fruit
The Little Old Lady
Clothes: woolen
Hair: blue, permed
Body Type: little, teeny, tiny thing
Personality: pleasant to your face, badger like if you get too close to what they want
Accessories: umbrella
Crime Committed Against: you, don’t try to help them or you’ll get thwacked with an umbrella and possibly mowed over by a large 1970’s Cadillac
The Pack Hunters (males and females)
Clothes: expensive, urban, tags may still be on
Hair: long, shiny and gelled
Body Type: in gym body shape
Personality: too cool for you; scare the hell out of you in a dark alley
Accessories: big gold jewelry
Crimes Committed Against: their records have been sealed
Let’s start with me stating that I hate grocery shopping. Hate, hate, hate. I hate it only slightly less than clothing shopping. And I hate clothing shopping only slightly less than I imagine what bamboo rammed under my fingernails would feel like. Hey, I’ve gotten splinters under my nails before, so I’m multiplying that feeling by a few thousand. Whatever, back to torture of the green grocer variety. Actually it’s not torturous if you perp watch, yes, perp watch. There are crimes against nature, fashion and food all under one roof. Sundays during football season are truly spectacular! I’m going to break down a few humanoid varieties that I usually see.
The Harried Mom:
Clothes: acid washed, pleated, yanked up to the sternum, mom jeans, the Z Cavariccis of the over the hill fashion backward mom; a pet hair encrusted, baby food stained tee shirt or sweat shirt depending on the weather; dirty, outdated sneakers
Hair: almost always a poorly styled 80’s layered jobbie, a bit of a Joe Dirt serious in front, party in back look, sometimes with a pony tail with frizz sticking out
Body Type: flabby arms, saggy tits, mom belly, disproportionately wide ass, thunder thighs, cankles
Personality: hasn’t had one since before children, a blank vacant stare will greet you
Accessories: a pocket book that matches nothing on this planet, possibly a diaper bag, screaming toddler
Crime Committed Against: nature for reproducing, fashion
(before you all go schizo thinking I’m picking on people, I’m a Harried Mom and I totally own that shit too, ha!)
The Rather be Watching Football Man:
Clothes: raggedy sports jersey, quite possibly one he wore in high school; jeans that have seen better days; really ugly, old sneakers
Hair: if there is any, it needs to be cut
Body Type: residual muscular biceps, man boobs, beer belly, chicken legs
Personality: dazed and confused, they will ask a Harried Mom and all store clerks a lot of food questions
Accessories: mini me teenage boy
Crime Committed Against: fashion
Mid-life Crisis First Wife Replacement Barbie
Clothes: Italian brand names you can’t afford
Hair: platinum blonde
Body Type: silicone, silicone, silicone
Personality: effervescent vapidity
Accessories: pissed off step kids that are nearly her age, she’s a year away from graduation-yay!
Crime Committed Against: fashion, the first wife and kids
Melon Thumping Charmin Squeezer (male or female)
Clothes: thrift store, hand me downs
Hair: sorely outdated
Body Type: skinny-fat, hunched over
Personality: completely non-vocal, some grunting and grinning during squeezing, darting eyes
Accessories: straw tote bag for shopping
Crimes Committed Against: fashion, fruit
The Little Old Lady
Clothes: woolen
Hair: blue, permed
Body Type: little, teeny, tiny thing
Personality: pleasant to your face, badger like if you get too close to what they want
Accessories: umbrella
Crime Committed Against: you, don’t try to help them or you’ll get thwacked with an umbrella and possibly mowed over by a large 1970’s Cadillac
The Pack Hunters (males and females)
Clothes: expensive, urban, tags may still be on
Hair: long, shiny and gelled
Body Type: in gym body shape
Personality: too cool for you; scare the hell out of you in a dark alley
Accessories: big gold jewelry
Crimes Committed Against: their records have been sealed
*photo courtesy of Flickr
No comments:
Post a Comment