Catholicise

Catholicise

Feeling fat? In need of saving? Have I got the program for you, Catholocise. This is the fitness regimen of God. That’s right, God, not Xenu, God. I mean, really, is anybody in better shape than God? No, he’s still alive and kicking. Rumor is he’s tanning it up in some unknown South Pacific Isle sipping on Bahama Mamas. Enough of our savior, back to the exercise. This is one hard core routine from running the pew obstacle course to kneeling and standing in rapid succession. Your class will start with the very regimented pew obstacle and people navigation, cause everybody wants the prime end pew seat, thus the hurdling-over the pew and through the olds, blah, blah, blah. After the obstacles comes the aerobic exercise of deep breathing in prayer followed up by some rousing singing. Gah, oops, Dear God, tired yet? Feel the burn. No, no quenching of the thirst with the blood of Christ you sinners! Work it sinners! Sweat out Satan! Step it up a bit, onto the kneeling and standing. Up, down, up, down, feel the aching back and stand. Raise your hands to heaven.and…breathe. Good. Time for the circuit where you will be lured by food and drink known as the body and blood of Christ. Yes, donkey run for that carrot! There are a few hundred of you in church today and there are only a dozen Christ Crackers and enough Blood of Christ vintage 1 AD for a lucky few. So run lambs of God, run! He only helps those non-fatties that help themselves. Now race back to the prime pew seats, hurdle some olds and reach for your wallet. God’s Bank of Little Lambs is looking a little poor, cash or check it’s all good. Donate it’s good for your soul. All that money carries diseases anyway. We’re here to save you. That’s what we’re gonna do too. We need you to be able to defend yourself against the likes of false idols like Xenu on top of Mt. Spaghetti. Kneel again, sing your praises to God! Sing lambs! Sin for your soul and scare away those demons. As we end our session, let’s say our holiest of prayers.

Our father, who art not fat, hallowed be thy cheeks.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done, on Earth fat as it is in heaven.
Give us not this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our cellulite,
As we forgive those who body mass is lower than ours.
And lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from Cheetos.
Amen