Bulk Mail Bonanza: cuticular edition

Check out this piece of awesomeness that was in my bulk mail. I usually just delete them all, but I recently started to read them for the nuggets of humorous wisdom they bring me. Enjoy!
Also, if you can do better than this one, please comment and share your bulk mail spam nugget with me. Love it!

This is an email from Palilla Nolan
Subject: cuticular
Aloha,
Doownloadable Softwware
By the president to recruit an army of state troops, mansions,delightful chambers, variegated gardens, lay, but in a momentshe found out: the eyes of of bhrigu, and exterminate thekshatriyas who exerting himself with vigour in battle, resistedlady, said hamish, with the same proud fierceness, in thevicinity, they (our enemies) will not believe of all wieldersof weapons riding on his car, when he drew the string, andwhen he let them the desired effect of compelling the government

Things That Don't Exist, But I Want: GrandPop Soda

The current beverage craze is all about energizing yourself. This is not for me. I want to relax; I do not need anything that will give me enough energy to actually go through with my mid-afternoon fantasy of shrink wrapping my boss to her chair. (Seriously, what a menace.)What is so wrong with desiring a soda that is not diet, is not called zero and is not oddly gin-like in appearance? No soda worth its weight in industrial waste water should contain ginseng, gotu kola or B-12. B-12? That's a vitamin. How did that sneak in? This is a direct violation of CFJR (Code of Federal Junk Regulations) Title 5,218 section 691.1379: Any healthful additives introduced into consumer junk food shall be deemed adulterated and subject to comfiscation by the JJA (Junk and Junk Administration) and the company may be fined.
Personally I am glad I discovered GrandPop in the supermarket. GrandPop is everything a soda pop should be. It's a carbonated palate scrubbing jubilation that's comprised of sugar, reclaimed nuclear reactor water, FD&C Brown Lake 45 and alcohol. Mm, mm, good.
Nothing makes me want ot sit on the front porch and rock away while shouting at neighborhood kids as much as GrandPop.

*Photo courtesy of www.ms.k12.il.us

The Less Than Noble Actions of Some Women

Much to the dismay of all of us supporting Tionna, the problem currently facing her has taken a turn for the worse. A friend and confidant, by all appearances, has violated her trust. There was a message left by Julia Allison on Michael Hirschorn’s FaceBook profile that in essence congratulated him on the creation of his new company called Ish Entertainment, the same company that is so close in name to Tionna’s Talk Dat Ish Entertainment. Now, I will leave the Hirschorn story coverage to SLC Outsider since Tionna is in close talks with Adam Streeter of SLCO. I want to focus on what certainly looks like Julia Allison hanging on to Hirschorn’s, and/or Tionna’s, star. The problem with Julia’s message to Michael is the fact that Julia not only knew of Tionna’s Talk Dat Ish Entertainment, but Tionna indicates that Julia was part of the pitch. With this singular post (actual FaceBook post is up on SLCO) Julia appears to hitch her wagon to Tionna’s rising star one minute only to jump ship when Hirschorn wants to take the name and run. Again, I am not going to question the motives of Hirschorn, but there is clear woman on woman underhandedness. There is also a woman using a man for whatever he has to offer and possibly offering up her “assets” to his new company as well. I quote assets for good reason; one need only search the Web for pictures of Julia. (Let me state again, for the record this is my opinion.) Some of her pictures make me feel personally acquainted with her JA T&A. Feeling that way, and writing that, is upsetting. She is a Star Editor at large, yet resorts to displaying herself like that for attention. Does she feel so empty inside that she needs the incessant flattery on her looks? Or is she so vain that we all are supposed to love her as much as she loves herself? Does she think so lowly of Tionna to use her as a stepping stone? I can’t answer any of that, but there is a lot to be said for keeping up appearances and closely guarding your reputation in person and online. However, I do know that women as a whole will continue to have problems with the figurative glass ceiling with so many objectify themselves. Oh well, it’s just that much more of a challenge for the rest of us, male and female alike, to interact with each other in a politically correct fashion while all buttoned up in a corporate setting.
A final thought in parting, a morally bankrupt executive is not a new concept in this world and is readily accepted without much pause, but a friend backstabbing or undermining you is a still a bitter pill. Tionna you have my full support, meager as it may be, in this fight for your good name and your company’s name.

*image courtesy of Flickr

Perp Walkin' at the Supermarket

Perp Walkin’ at the Supermarket

Let’s start with me stating that I hate grocery shopping. Hate, hate, hate. I hate it only slightly less than clothing shopping. And I hate clothing shopping only slightly less than I imagine what bamboo rammed under my fingernails would feel like. Hey, I’ve gotten splinters under my nails before, so I’m multiplying that feeling by a few thousand. Whatever, back to torture of the green grocer variety. Actually it’s not torturous if you perp watch, yes, perp watch. There are crimes against nature, fashion and food all under one roof. Sundays during football season are truly spectacular! I’m going to break down a few humanoid varieties that I usually see.

The Harried Mom:
Clothes: acid washed, pleated, yanked up to the sternum, mom jeans, the Z Cavariccis of the over the hill fashion backward mom; a pet hair encrusted, baby food stained tee shirt or sweat shirt depending on the weather; dirty, outdated sneakers
Hair: almost always a poorly styled 80’s layered jobbie, a bit of a Joe Dirt serious in front, party in back look, sometimes with a pony tail with frizz sticking out
Body Type: flabby arms, saggy tits, mom belly, disproportionately wide ass, thunder thighs, cankles
Personality: hasn’t had one since before children, a blank vacant stare will greet you
Accessories: a pocket book that matches nothing on this planet, possibly a diaper bag, screaming toddler
Crime Committed Against: nature for reproducing, fashion
(before you all go schizo thinking I’m picking on people, I’m a Harried Mom and I totally own that shit too, ha!)

The Rather be Watching Football Man:
Clothes: raggedy sports jersey, quite possibly one he wore in high school; jeans that have seen better days; really ugly, old sneakers
Hair: if there is any, it needs to be cut
Body Type: residual muscular biceps, man boobs, beer belly, chicken legs
Personality: dazed and confused, they will ask a Harried Mom and all store clerks a lot of food questions
Accessories: mini me teenage boy
Crime Committed Against: fashion

Mid-life Crisis First Wife Replacement Barbie
Clothes: Italian brand names you can’t afford
Hair: platinum blonde
Body Type: silicone, silicone, silicone
Personality: effervescent vapidity
Accessories: pissed off step kids that are nearly her age, she’s a year away from graduation-yay!
Crime Committed Against: fashion, the first wife and kids

Melon Thumping Charmin Squeezer (male or female)
Clothes: thrift store, hand me downs
Hair: sorely outdated
Body Type: skinny-fat, hunched over
Personality: completely non-vocal, some grunting and grinning during squeezing, darting eyes
Accessories: straw tote bag for shopping
Crimes Committed Against: fashion, fruit

The Little Old Lady
Clothes: woolen
Hair: blue, permed
Body Type: little, teeny, tiny thing
Personality: pleasant to your face, badger like if you get too close to what they want
Accessories: umbrella
Crime Committed Against: you, don’t try to help them or you’ll get thwacked with an umbrella and possibly mowed over by a large 1970’s Cadillac

The Pack Hunters (males and females)
Clothes: expensive, urban, tags may still be on
Hair: long, shiny and gelled
Body Type: in gym body shape
Personality: too cool for you; scare the hell out of you in a dark alley
Accessories: big gold jewelry
Crimes Committed Against: their records have been sealed

*photo courtesy of Flickr

Ishgate

For the latest and greatest on Tionna's battle with Michael Hirschorn, lovingly dubbed Ishgate by KoraInHell, please jump over to SLC Outsider.

*update: KoraInHell told me she heard Ishgate from Tionna. Tionna gives us all the good words, huh?

ScienTomogy

With all the juicy coverage of the completely bizarro Tom Cruise Scientology indoctrination video there's just not too much left to say, but there is still plenty to draw!

Toon Ups

Adam from SLC Outsider cares for the environment. Won't all the Sundance Film Festival celebrities look silly putzing around in gas guzzling Hummers when he rides naked and proud through the middle of town on his shining steed, "Ain't Chasin' No Hare!"
Adam was last seen shouting, "I got your hummer for ya!" at stunned festival crowds.